My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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