My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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