she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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