Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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