doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
