well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize