Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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