Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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