I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
