R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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