im drinking this country out of the recession.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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