I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
