If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Send help, water and tortillas.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
