Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
