So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize