Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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