i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
