I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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