i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
