Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
