Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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