i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
