I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
