They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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