I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Life is so much better after having sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
