i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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