Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
