OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
