Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
