just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
