Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
