omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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