I was born with a shot glass in my hand
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
