I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
