oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
