So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
