Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
