my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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