found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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