when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
