that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
