How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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