Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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