I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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