god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
