Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize