Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
