Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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