There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
