did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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