my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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