Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
