so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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