i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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