well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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