I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to make out with him forever
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize